(Note: I realize this is a little late in coming, but this review was originally intended for another project that didn't end up happening, so I decided to post it here rather than let it sit around in Google Docs with nothing to do.)
When it comes to movie remakes and modern horror in general, there are certain expectations I have and cliches that I expect, Friday the 13th does nothing what so ever to shatter any of them.
For those of you who have been living under a rock for almost 30 years, Friday the 13th is a "reboot" to a franchise that had it's fall from grace around the time of the first sequel. This particular piece of garbage follows the adventures of Jason Voorhees as he slashes his way through two teams of dim-witted, over-sexed, and stoned-out-of-their-mind teenagers.
The movie starts with a paltry nod to Mrs. Voorhees' murderous rampage from the first film, then Nitwit Squad Alpha trampling through the woods on a camping trip, where they intend to bone each other stupid and get some weed. This particular team consists five modern horror stereotypes (the nerd, the rebel, the slut, the generic guy, and the not so slutty girl) who all get eviscerated within 20 minutes, all without me giving a shit. Enter Nitwit Squad Bravo, consisting of five more modern horror stereotypes (see the five above), only with a little more ethnic diversity. Also along for the ride is Douchey McGee, who is looking for his missing sister, one of the members of Nitwit Squad Alpha. The Dawn of the Dead remake in 2004 made this mistake as well, upping the character count gives you more people to kill, but at the same time makes it impossible to care about whether or not anyone lives or dies, which can make or break a horror movie. Needless to say a lot of killing ensues, of course all of the murders are so damn predictable that even Stevie Wonder could have seen them coming.
This movie's biggest problem is that it follows the formula of making a modern horror movie remake. Which basically consists of removing everything that was good about the original (things like characters people give a damn about, and suspense), and replacing it with over the top violence, tits, and crude humor. Before I continue, let me say that I don't have a problem with the occasional boob. However, if I wanted to see as many jubblies as I did in this movie, I could have saved some time and trouble and stayed at home to browse /s/ on 4chan. Moving on, the crude humor present in this film only serves to cheapen it like anything with "Movie" in the title. A redneck talks about fucking a mannequin and one of the members of Nitwit Squad Bravo decides to attempt to wank to an L. L. Bean catalog (even I'm not desperate enough to whack it to L. L. Bean) before Jason shows up to bore everyone to death. I'm not against a funny moment or two in a horror film, but really, there's nothing remotely amusing about the attempts at humor. If I had dosed off (and it's a wonder I didn't), I might have thought I was watching a Scary Movie sequel.
If this is supposed to be the start of the Friday the 13th for the next generation, then I've got a right mind to pick up a machete myself and put them out of their misery. With predicable kills, utter lack of suspense, and more than one "You have got to be bullshitting me" moment, Friday the 13th fails to impress let alone live up to the original. This series doesn't need a reboot, it needs a bullet to the head.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Brews and a Blog: Episode 3
Well, another predictably uneventful Saturday night as rolled around, so I've decided to kill time by tap dancing on the rain-soaked precipice of alcoholism with Episode 3 of the marvelously erratic: Brews and a Blog. Let's get started, shall we?
=== Starting Beer 1 ... ===
Now in the first episode of this series, I went on a tirade about the state of modern horror movies. It turned out to be well deserved, since the recent Friday the 13th release sucked, like I knew it would. It was a delightful serving of utter bullshit with a gratuitous side of titties and bad attempts at humor. I'm particularly disturbed by the previews for the remake of The Last House on the Left, which as I predict here and now, will be two mindless hours of blood and jugs. It seems this age of advanced special effects has taken the primary component of a horror film (suspense) and shanked it... rather violently... several times, and in its place are blood fountains made of tits and every Sci-Fi Channel original film ever made.
=== Beer 1 Complete! Starting Beer 2 ... ===
Now that I'm done with that, let's get into the real nitty gritty of this post. Since I haven't tried to to a list post under the influence of alcohol, here goes nothing:
My Top X "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moments. (listed in no particular order)
A "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moment is when a movie, video game, book etc etc loses most (if not ALL) of it's credibility and leaves you befuddled and/or pissed off. Fair warning, there will likely be spoilers ahead.
1. Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2 (You'll probably want to skip this one if you're not familiar with the series)
Time travel is one of those things that can really fuck up a perfectly good story, and there's no shortage of it in the Legacy of Kain video game series. This particular "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moment occurs at the end of the game. Raziel goes back in time and after a series of adventures kills his brothers AND himself in the past. However, instead of fading away like any respectable character would, he then comes to the realization that he was the one who killed everyone, allowing Kain to ressurect them as vampires in the future, which led to the events that brought Raziel into the past, rinse and repeat ad nausem (more like nausea), but that's not the caboose of this bullshit train. After this realization, the Soul Reaver turns on Raziel, imprisoning his soul within the blade, which was then released when Kain broke it over his head in the previous game. So Raziel uses himself to kill himself, gets ressurected only to time travel back and kill himself again to get ressurected and my fucking head hurts. NEXT!!
2. Friday the 13th series
Outside of the travesty that I mentioned above, this "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moment starts in the second film. This film reveals that, oh noes, Jason Voorhees didn't actually drown in the events before the first movie. On top of that, for the past X amount of years he's been eeking out an existance in the woods surrounding Crystal Lake in all of his transfigured glory, as opposed to moving to Hollywood and becoming a stunt double for Gary Busey. This particularly agrivates me because it basically renders Ms. Voorhees' killing spree pointless. Follow that up with Jason's constant ressurections and the piss poor quality of the sequels you've got a great big boiling cauldron of utter shit.
=== Beer 2 Complete! Starting Beer 3 ... ===
3. Halloween series after Halloween III
I fucking call bullshit on the entire Halloween series after the third film. At the end of the second film, Michael Meyers was blown the fuck up. End. Of. Fucking. Story. The new storyline present in the third film was done on purpose by John Carpenter, with the plan to have different Halloween-themed stories with each movie. He didn't want the Michael Meyers story to continue, it had a perfectly valid ending, but noooooooooooooooo, the third film didn't make enough money. Then they bring back Michael Meyers, "He was in a coma! He's not dead yet!" and somehow Dr. Loomis survives the massive ball of fire with a little scar. Then we get into the Cult of Thorn and Michael Meyers possessing people and some shit. Fuck it. Just fuck it.
4. Superman the Movie
I'm sorry, but how does changing the Earth's rotation rewind time?
5. 28 Weeks Later
First of all, this whole movie is bullshit. What fucking dipshit in their right mind gives a janitor full fucking access to everything? And mind you, if the rage virus makes people into violence crazed freaks, why is the afforementioned janitor almost as stealthy as Batman after being infected-- speaking of which...
6. Batman and Robin (the movie, the one with Clooney)
"Take two of these, and call me in the morning." Do I need to elaborate on that or any of the other ones before?
7. Street Fighter (the movie)
This movie is one giant zero-based array of "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moments. Not only are the characters completely off, but there isn't one fucking decent hadoken. Ryu does some arm motion and I think the screen flashed for a second, but NOTHING!
=== Beer 3 Complete! ===
Well, it's become clearly evident that the beer is starting to get to me. I need to drink more often and get my tolerance up. I'm going to bed. Good night, moon. Good night, internet.
=== Starting Beer 1 ... ===
Now in the first episode of this series, I went on a tirade about the state of modern horror movies. It turned out to be well deserved, since the recent Friday the 13th release sucked, like I knew it would. It was a delightful serving of utter bullshit with a gratuitous side of titties and bad attempts at humor. I'm particularly disturbed by the previews for the remake of The Last House on the Left, which as I predict here and now, will be two mindless hours of blood and jugs. It seems this age of advanced special effects has taken the primary component of a horror film (suspense) and shanked it... rather violently... several times, and in its place are blood fountains made of tits and every Sci-Fi Channel original film ever made.
=== Beer 1 Complete! Starting Beer 2 ... ===
Now that I'm done with that, let's get into the real nitty gritty of this post. Since I haven't tried to to a list post under the influence of alcohol, here goes nothing:
My Top X "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moments. (listed in no particular order)
A "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moment is when a movie, video game, book etc etc loses most (if not ALL) of it's credibility and leaves you befuddled and/or pissed off. Fair warning, there will likely be spoilers ahead.
1. Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2 (You'll probably want to skip this one if you're not familiar with the series)
Time travel is one of those things that can really fuck up a perfectly good story, and there's no shortage of it in the Legacy of Kain video game series. This particular "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moment occurs at the end of the game. Raziel goes back in time and after a series of adventures kills his brothers AND himself in the past. However, instead of fading away like any respectable character would, he then comes to the realization that he was the one who killed everyone, allowing Kain to ressurect them as vampires in the future, which led to the events that brought Raziel into the past, rinse and repeat ad nausem (more like nausea), but that's not the caboose of this bullshit train. After this realization, the Soul Reaver turns on Raziel, imprisoning his soul within the blade, which was then released when Kain broke it over his head in the previous game. So Raziel uses himself to kill himself, gets ressurected only to time travel back and kill himself again to get ressurected and my fucking head hurts. NEXT!!
2. Friday the 13th series
Outside of the travesty that I mentioned above, this "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moment starts in the second film. This film reveals that, oh noes, Jason Voorhees didn't actually drown in the events before the first movie. On top of that, for the past X amount of years he's been eeking out an existance in the woods surrounding Crystal Lake in all of his transfigured glory, as opposed to moving to Hollywood and becoming a stunt double for Gary Busey. This particularly agrivates me because it basically renders Ms. Voorhees' killing spree pointless. Follow that up with Jason's constant ressurections and the piss poor quality of the sequels you've got a great big boiling cauldron of utter shit.
=== Beer 2 Complete! Starting Beer 3 ... ===
3. Halloween series after Halloween III
I fucking call bullshit on the entire Halloween series after the third film. At the end of the second film, Michael Meyers was blown the fuck up. End. Of. Fucking. Story. The new storyline present in the third film was done on purpose by John Carpenter, with the plan to have different Halloween-themed stories with each movie. He didn't want the Michael Meyers story to continue, it had a perfectly valid ending, but noooooooooooooooo, the third film didn't make enough money. Then they bring back Michael Meyers, "He was in a coma! He's not dead yet!" and somehow Dr. Loomis survives the massive ball of fire with a little scar. Then we get into the Cult of Thorn and Michael Meyers possessing people and some shit. Fuck it. Just fuck it.
4. Superman the Movie
I'm sorry, but how does changing the Earth's rotation rewind time?
5. 28 Weeks Later
First of all, this whole movie is bullshit. What fucking dipshit in their right mind gives a janitor full fucking access to everything? And mind you, if the rage virus makes people into violence crazed freaks, why is the afforementioned janitor almost as stealthy as Batman after being infected-- speaking of which...
6. Batman and Robin (the movie, the one with Clooney)
"Take two of these, and call me in the morning." Do I need to elaborate on that or any of the other ones before?
7. Street Fighter (the movie)
This movie is one giant zero-based array of "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moments. Not only are the characters completely off, but there isn't one fucking decent hadoken. Ryu does some arm motion and I think the screen flashed for a second, but NOTHING!
=== Beer 3 Complete! ===
Well, it's become clearly evident that the beer is starting to get to me. I need to drink more often and get my tolerance up. I'm going to bed. Good night, moon. Good night, internet.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Brews And A Blog: Episode 2
Well, boys and girls it's Saturday night and I've got nothing really going on, so I figured I should check in with all of you before Wrath of the Lich King shatters what little bit of a social life I have. So let's get this thing fired up...
=== Starting Beer 1 ... ===
This afternoon, I took a trip up to Concord with my father. I had decided to go up on a tip from a coworker about a little establishment called "Barb's Beer Emporium." So for the better part of an hour I sat in a car with my dad accompanied by awkward silence, broken up occasionally by small talk.
Finding the place was the easiest part of the trip. Literally, the place is conveniently located on North Main Street. It's roughly the size of a convenience store, which makes sense because that's what used to be there according to the various online newspaper articles I read about it.
The most prominent feature of this establishment is the wall of microbrew coolers. I probably should have written a couple of names down because I'm having some difficulty remembering what was there.
=== Beer 1 complete! Starting Beer 2... ===
They also give you the option of mixing a 6 pack for about $10. I'll admit that's a little steep for a six-pack, but what you really pay for is the variety. Not to mention the fact that I can try new kinds of beer without having to commit to an entire six-pack or go out to a bar and run the risk of socializing. (Ba-dum-tish.)
I ended up picking up two mixed six-packs, one with some brands like Magic Hat and Flying Dog and a second one that consisted of some Sam Adams flavors that I have yet to sample.
My father and I were there for a lot less time than it took us to actually get there, but we did come to the conclusion that we would both be back again soon. My dad even ended up cracking a joke about how if my mother had gone he'd be bankrupt, then we both laughed in that nervous sort of "Oh shit, that's actually true" sort of way.
So anyways, that's Barb's Beer Emporium located on 208 North Main Street in Concord, NH. Stop on by if you're in the area, it's worth the trip.
=== Starting Beer 1 ... ===
This afternoon, I took a trip up to Concord with my father. I had decided to go up on a tip from a coworker about a little establishment called "Barb's Beer Emporium." So for the better part of an hour I sat in a car with my dad accompanied by awkward silence, broken up occasionally by small talk.
Finding the place was the easiest part of the trip. Literally, the place is conveniently located on North Main Street. It's roughly the size of a convenience store, which makes sense because that's what used to be there according to the various online newspaper articles I read about it.
The most prominent feature of this establishment is the wall of microbrew coolers. I probably should have written a couple of names down because I'm having some difficulty remembering what was there.
=== Beer 1 complete! Starting Beer 2... ===
They also give you the option of mixing a 6 pack for about $10. I'll admit that's a little steep for a six-pack, but what you really pay for is the variety. Not to mention the fact that I can try new kinds of beer without having to commit to an entire six-pack or go out to a bar and run the risk of socializing. (Ba-dum-tish.)
I ended up picking up two mixed six-packs, one with some brands like Magic Hat and Flying Dog and a second one that consisted of some Sam Adams flavors that I have yet to sample.
My father and I were there for a lot less time than it took us to actually get there, but we did come to the conclusion that we would both be back again soon. My dad even ended up cracking a joke about how if my mother had gone he'd be bankrupt, then we both laughed in that nervous sort of "Oh shit, that's actually true" sort of way.
So anyways, that's Barb's Beer Emporium located on 208 North Main Street in Concord, NH. Stop on by if you're in the area, it's worth the trip.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Brews And A Blog: Episode 1
So it's Saturday night and I'm feeling creative so I've decided to start up a new blog series which I have entitled: Brews And A Blog. In which I have a few beers (I'm not driving, you know who) and attempt to write a blog entry about whatever comes to mind. It's probably been done before, but now I'm doing it so nyah!
=== Starting Beer 1... ===
Tonight I'm enjoying some of Shipyard's Pumpkinhead ale, a delightful blend that my father describes as "like drinking a pumpkin pie." Fortunately, as far as I know I'm actually the only one in my house that enjoys it so the six-pack I bought is all mine. Moving on.
Call me behind in entertainment news, but I've only been recently been made aware of the remake of the horror classic Friday the 13th and I'm (quite rightfully) pissed off about it.
=== Beer 1 Complete! Starting Beer 2... ===
You might think I'm daft or idealistic, but I'm not entirely opposed to remakes. If they're done well they can enhance the ability to tell a story with the aid of technology that wasn't necessarily available at the time. Take for example... um... let me get back to you on that one.
Unfortunately, remakes are rarely (read: NEVER) ever done well. It seems to me that due to the advances in special effects technology that directors and writers are willing to sacrifice a good story in the name of some whiz-bang-pow CGI bullshit or over the top sex appeal.
This seems to be especially present in the horror genre. Sticking to the topic of remakes, the formula for updating a classic horror story seems to be:
Let me say before I continue that I'm not opposed to violence and tits (especially not the latter of the two, there's more than a few people who will back me up on that). But there's a time and a place for everything. If I want violence without a plot, I can watch an action movie and if I want tits, I'll watch a pornographic movie, browse 4chan, or head down to one of those bars where the girls show off the lady business in exchange for cash (refer to the "more than a few people" comment).
It seems to me that what makes a "good" horror movie nowadays is having more fake blood than "Strange Brew" had beer, but gory doesn't always mean scary. If that were the case then Saving Private Ryan would be a horror flick based solely on the first 20 minutes. Unfortunately, the over the top gore and tits seems to define the modern horror movie, and it doesn't just bring down individual movies, it brings down the entire genre.
=== Beer 3 Complete! Starting Beer 4... ===
The film industry says they don't make enough money from movies while at the same time seemingly refusing to come up with new franchises and storylines. In programming you get out what you put in and that's exactly what I say every time I hear about any member of big entertainment (RIAA, MPAA etc etc) bitching about losing profits to downloading. Put some effort in you bastards and you just might get something out of it.
Now I know I can't realistically stop studios from making the movies they do, but I will ask the douches in Hollywood to stop ruining classic stories and make their shit movies based on their own ideas. Here's an idea for the perfect modern horror flick: A large-bossomed succubus rises from hell to terrorize a town inhabited entirely by oversexed nudist lesbian hemophiliac supermodels.
There, see, if I can do it with almost 4 beers in me, surely you over-paid hollywood twats (that's the English pronounciation, rhymes with "at" instead of "ought") can some up with something better what with all of your access to coke, heroin, and high-priced hookers. Better get your offers in for "The Day Titsy the Succubus Attacked Supermodel-ville" before somebody in the porn industry gets their mitts on it. Although, they might do it better since they would be shooting for a more "marketable" PG-13 rating.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish off my six-pack and pass out on the living room floor.
=== Starting Beer 1... ===
Tonight I'm enjoying some of Shipyard's Pumpkinhead ale, a delightful blend that my father describes as "like drinking a pumpkin pie." Fortunately, as far as I know I'm actually the only one in my house that enjoys it so the six-pack I bought is all mine. Moving on.
Call me behind in entertainment news, but I've only been recently been made aware of the remake of the horror classic Friday the 13th and I'm (quite rightfully) pissed off about it.
=== Beer 1 Complete! Starting Beer 2... ===
You might think I'm daft or idealistic, but I'm not entirely opposed to remakes. If they're done well they can enhance the ability to tell a story with the aid of technology that wasn't necessarily available at the time. Take for example... um... let me get back to you on that one.
Unfortunately, remakes are rarely (read: NEVER) ever done well. It seems to me that due to the advances in special effects technology that directors and writers are willing to sacrifice a good story in the name of some whiz-bang-pow CGI bullshit or over the top sex appeal.
This seems to be especially present in the horror genre. Sticking to the topic of remakes, the formula for updating a classic horror story seems to be:
- Step 1: Find a well known and beloved franchise that features a compelling story that hasn't had a sequel in a couple of years.
- Step 2: Do the ol' Ctrl-C Ctrl-V on the original script into your favorite word processing program.
- Step 3: Go through the script and remove anything and everything that made the original a masterpiece. This includes the following:
- Plot twists
- Underlying Social Commentary
- Lovable, well-rounded characters
- Anything that actually makes the film scary (like suspense and any music that doesn't feature a top 40 artist)
- Step 4: After having thoroughly removed the above, replace it all with over the top violence and tits.
Let me say before I continue that I'm not opposed to violence and tits (especially not the latter of the two, there's more than a few people who will back me up on that). But there's a time and a place for everything. If I want violence without a plot, I can watch an action movie and if I want tits, I'll watch a pornographic movie, browse 4chan, or head down to one of those bars where the girls show off the lady business in exchange for cash (refer to the "more than a few people" comment).
It seems to me that what makes a "good" horror movie nowadays is having more fake blood than "Strange Brew" had beer, but gory doesn't always mean scary. If that were the case then Saving Private Ryan would be a horror flick based solely on the first 20 minutes. Unfortunately, the over the top gore and tits seems to define the modern horror movie, and it doesn't just bring down individual movies, it brings down the entire genre.
=== Beer 3 Complete! Starting Beer 4... ===
The film industry says they don't make enough money from movies while at the same time seemingly refusing to come up with new franchises and storylines. In programming you get out what you put in and that's exactly what I say every time I hear about any member of big entertainment (RIAA, MPAA etc etc) bitching about losing profits to downloading. Put some effort in you bastards and you just might get something out of it.
Now I know I can't realistically stop studios from making the movies they do, but I will ask the douches in Hollywood to stop ruining classic stories and make their shit movies based on their own ideas. Here's an idea for the perfect modern horror flick: A large-bossomed succubus rises from hell to terrorize a town inhabited entirely by oversexed nudist lesbian hemophiliac supermodels.
There, see, if I can do it with almost 4 beers in me, surely you over-paid hollywood twats (that's the English pronounciation, rhymes with "at" instead of "ought") can some up with something better what with all of your access to coke, heroin, and high-priced hookers. Better get your offers in for "The Day Titsy the Succubus Attacked Supermodel-ville" before somebody in the porn industry gets their mitts on it. Although, they might do it better since they would be shooting for a more "marketable" PG-13 rating.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish off my six-pack and pass out on the living room floor.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Max Payne: My Thoughts
I decided to go to the movies last night and as you've probably guessed, the movie in particular that I saw was none other than MAX PAYNE.
If I could sum up this movie in one word it would be: disappointment. If given an additional word to sum this movie it would be: utter disappointment.
I will admit that I bought into the hype leading up to this movie. I saw the trailers, I looked at photos. From everything that I was hearing, this game was going to be the one! It was going to be spectacular, it was going to be the movie that brought legitimacy to video game movie adaptations and maybe cure AIDS. It did none of this and quite possibly gave me the clap.
I could stop there, but I have a lot more coal for this steam powered complain train. To quote Mario: "Here we goooooo..."
Before I rip this movie a new one, I will say that I didn't really have a problem with Mark (E. Mark) Wahlberg as Max Payne. I think he could have done a lot better with the character given proper writing.
The plot is one that we've all seen before: renegade cop is out to avenge his family. This type of plot is the cheeseburger of movie plots, you really can't fuck it up, and if you do, you're a douche. Even I can do it right, hell, I avenge my family 2 or 3 times a week and nothing has even happened to them yet. However, the folks behind the movie have managed to fuck up the tried and true renegade cop story. The plot is cliched and there is a severe lack of actual ass-kicking for a movie that is based on an ACTION game.
If Max Payne had spent as much time kicking ass as he did having flashbacks, it could have excused the cliched story and at least made it a mediocre film. Look, goldfish don't fucking watch movies, don't constantly remind me of why the titular character has taken the law into their own hands and is on a murderous rampage. Somebody already flat out said (within the first 10 minutes of the movie, mind you) that Max's wife and kid were killed. One flashback of the event in question is fine, but when you revisit it three or four times throughout the film, it just gets tired and makes me wish that somebody was dying... mainly me.
Pretty much all of the action is saved for the last 20 minutes of the movie. Now I am a huge proponent for going out with a bang, but you need to keep me interested long enough to get there! Everything leading up is either mega-cheezy interrogations or bad dialogue and flashbacks. The bullet time used poorly, probably just to increase the length of the movie for a bit. Watching stuff get destroyed in super-slow-mo was cool when the Matrix did it, but I've grown used to it being featured in every other movie since then. And watching a pair (note: not even a fucking handful) bad guys run into a corridor with guns blazing reminds me of playing a game with bad AI, it's just inexcusable. Let me think for a minute that Max might be facing a death instead of killing time until the next flashback sequence.
So if the terribly unorganized thoughts collected in this blog have told you anything, stay away from this movie. Seriously, stay the fuck away. I'm gonna go watch Silent Hill, cling to my empty hopes for Prince of Persia and pretend that this piece of crap never happened.
If I could sum up this movie in one word it would be: disappointment. If given an additional word to sum this movie it would be: utter disappointment.
I will admit that I bought into the hype leading up to this movie. I saw the trailers, I looked at photos. From everything that I was hearing, this game was going to be the one! It was going to be spectacular, it was going to be the movie that brought legitimacy to video game movie adaptations and maybe cure AIDS. It did none of this and quite possibly gave me the clap.
I could stop there, but I have a lot more coal for this steam powered complain train. To quote Mario: "Here we goooooo..."
Before I rip this movie a new one, I will say that I didn't really have a problem with Mark (E. Mark) Wahlberg as Max Payne. I think he could have done a lot better with the character given proper writing.
The plot is one that we've all seen before: renegade cop is out to avenge his family. This type of plot is the cheeseburger of movie plots, you really can't fuck it up, and if you do, you're a douche. Even I can do it right, hell, I avenge my family 2 or 3 times a week and nothing has even happened to them yet. However, the folks behind the movie have managed to fuck up the tried and true renegade cop story. The plot is cliched and there is a severe lack of actual ass-kicking for a movie that is based on an ACTION game.
If Max Payne had spent as much time kicking ass as he did having flashbacks, it could have excused the cliched story and at least made it a mediocre film. Look, goldfish don't fucking watch movies, don't constantly remind me of why the titular character has taken the law into their own hands and is on a murderous rampage. Somebody already flat out said (within the first 10 minutes of the movie, mind you) that Max's wife and kid were killed. One flashback of the event in question is fine, but when you revisit it three or four times throughout the film, it just gets tired and makes me wish that somebody was dying... mainly me.
Pretty much all of the action is saved for the last 20 minutes of the movie. Now I am a huge proponent for going out with a bang, but you need to keep me interested long enough to get there! Everything leading up is either mega-cheezy interrogations or bad dialogue and flashbacks. The bullet time used poorly, probably just to increase the length of the movie for a bit. Watching stuff get destroyed in super-slow-mo was cool when the Matrix did it, but I've grown used to it being featured in every other movie since then. And watching a pair (note: not even a fucking handful) bad guys run into a corridor with guns blazing reminds me of playing a game with bad AI, it's just inexcusable. Let me think for a minute that Max might be facing a death instead of killing time until the next flashback sequence.
So if the terribly unorganized thoughts collected in this blog have told you anything, stay away from this movie. Seriously, stay the fuck away. I'm gonna go watch Silent Hill, cling to my empty hopes for Prince of Persia and pretend that this piece of crap never happened.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Chode on the Road: Day 5 - Recovery and the Long Trip Home
Last night I appeared on "It Is Slack," a comedy radio show on WMPG along with Brian Brinegar and Cloud Morris, and it was nothing short of AMAZING. There were callers and jokes flying about. Everyone had an amazing time and I just hope to God that the Safe Harbor thingamajig will keep me out of trouble (ha ha ha ha....).
I want to thank Dan and Jim for putting on a hell of a show, Brian Brinegar for helping me get on the show, Cloud for coming along with his voices and jokes and a huge thanks to Eabha for driving our asses through Portland to and from the studio.
It's been one hell of a trip, filled with jokes, alcohol, laughter and I can't wait to get the chance to do a comedy bender again, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to getting home. Peace!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Chode on the Road: Day 4 - Coming Full Circle
Last night.... last night was just awesome. Just fucking awesome. Slainte was amazing as always. Things got crazy at the after party. A bunch of us went back to Brian Brinegar's place.
All I'm gonna say is that there were some SERIOUS shenanigans going on. I got insanely drunk, spilled beers, drank PBR, finally remembered Payson's name, hit the floor a couple of times, and I think I made some alien/devil-possessed noises at one point or several. Everyone there was getting crazy! We were all partying like rockstars (minus the big 1980's hair)!
I want to thank everyone I know from Slainte again for making everything I've done up to this point possible.
I. Fucking. Love. Portland.
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