Brews and a Blog: Episode 3

Well, another predictably uneventful Saturday night as rolled around, so I've decided to kill time by tap dancing on the rain-soaked precipice of alcoholism with Episode 3 of the marvelously erratic: Brews and a Blog. Let's get started, shall we?

=== Starting Beer 1 ... ===

Now in the first episode of this series, I went on a tirade about the state of modern horror movies. It turned out to be well deserved, since the recent Friday the 13th release sucked, like I knew it would. It was a delightful serving of utter bullshit with a gratuitous side of titties and bad attempts at humor. I'm particularly disturbed by the previews for the remake of The Last House on the Left, which as I predict here and now, will be two mindless hours of blood and jugs. It seems this age of advanced special effects has taken the primary component of a horror film (suspense) and shanked it... rather violently... several times, and in its place are blood fountains made of tits and every Sci-Fi Channel original film ever made.

=== Beer 1 Complete! Starting Beer 2 ... ===

Now that I'm done with that, let's get into the real nitty gritty of this post. Since I haven't tried to to a list post under the influence of alcohol, here goes nothing:

My Top X "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moments. (listed in no particular order)

A "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moment is when a movie, video game, book etc etc loses most (if not ALL) of it's credibility and leaves you befuddled and/or pissed off. Fair warning, there will likely be spoilers ahead.

1. Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2 (You'll probably want to skip this one if you're not familiar with the series)
     Time travel is one of those things that can really fuck up a perfectly good story, and there's no shortage of it in the Legacy of Kain video game series. This particular "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moment occurs at the end of the game. Raziel goes back in time and after a series of adventures kills his brothers AND himself in the past. However, instead of fading away like any respectable character would, he then comes to the realization that he was the one who killed everyone, allowing Kain to ressurect them as vampires in the future, which led to the events that brought Raziel into the past, rinse and repeat ad nausem (more like nausea), but that's not the caboose of this bullshit train. After this realization, the Soul Reaver turns on Raziel, imprisoning his soul within the blade, which was then released when Kain broke it over his head in the previous game. So Raziel uses himself to kill himself, gets ressurected only to time travel back and kill himself again to get ressurected and my fucking head hurts. NEXT!!

2. Friday the 13th series
     Outside of the travesty that I mentioned above, this "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moment starts in the second film. This film reveals that, oh noes, Jason Voorhees didn't actually drown in the events before the first movie. On top of that, for the past X amount of years he's been eeking out an existance in the woods surrounding Crystal Lake in all of his transfigured glory, as opposed to moving to Hollywood and becoming a stunt double for Gary Busey. This particularly agrivates me because it basically renders Ms. Voorhees' killing spree pointless. Follow that up with Jason's constant ressurections and the piss poor quality of the sequels you've got a great big boiling cauldron of utter shit.

=== Beer 2 Complete! Starting Beer 3 ... ===

3. Halloween series after Halloween III
     I fucking call bullshit on the entire Halloween series after the third film. At the end of the second film, Michael Meyers was blown the fuck up. End. Of. Fucking. Story. The new storyline present in the third film was done on purpose by John Carpenter, with the plan to have different Halloween-themed stories with each movie. He didn't want the Michael Meyers story to continue, it had a perfectly valid ending, but noooooooooooooooo, the third film didn't make enough money. Then they bring back Michael Meyers, "He was in a coma! He's not dead yet!" and somehow Dr. Loomis survives the massive ball of fire with a little scar. Then we get into the Cult of Thorn and Michael Meyers possessing people and some shit. Fuck it. Just fuck it.

4. Superman the Movie
     I'm sorry, but how does changing the Earth's rotation rewind time?

5. 28 Weeks Later
     First of all, this whole movie is bullshit. What fucking dipshit in their right mind gives a janitor full fucking access to everything? And mind you, if the rage virus makes people into violence crazed freaks, why is the afforementioned janitor almost as stealthy as Batman after being infected-- speaking of which...

6. Batman and Robin (the movie, the one with Clooney)
     "Take two of these, and call me in the morning." Do I need to elaborate on that or any of the other ones before?

7. Street Fighter (the movie)
     This movie is one giant zero-based array of "You Have Got To Be Bullshitting Me" Moments. Not only are the characters completely off, but there isn't one fucking decent hadoken. Ryu does some arm motion and I think the screen flashed for a second, but NOTHING!

=== Beer 3 Complete! ===

Well, it's become clearly evident that the beer is starting to get to me. I need to drink more often and get my tolerance up. I'm going to bed. Good night, moon. Good night, internet.