Friday the 13th (2009): My Thoughts

(Note: I realize this is a little late in coming, but this review was originally intended for another project that didn't end up happening, so I decided to post it here rather than let it sit around in Google Docs with nothing to do.)

     When it comes to movie remakes and modern horror in general, there are certain expectations I have and cliches that I expect, Friday the 13th does nothing what so ever to shatter any of them.

     For those of you who have been living under a rock for almost 30 years, Friday the 13th is a "reboot" to a franchise that had it's fall from grace around the time of the first sequel. This particular piece of garbage follows the adventures of Jason Voorhees as he slashes his way through two teams of dim-witted, over-sexed, and stoned-out-of-their-mind teenagers.

     The movie starts with a paltry nod to Mrs. Voorhees' murderous rampage from the first film, then Nitwit Squad Alpha trampling through the woods on a camping trip, where they intend to bone each other stupid and get some weed. This particular team consists five modern horror stereotypes (the nerd, the rebel, the slut, the generic guy, and the not so slutty girl) who all get eviscerated within 20 minutes, all without me giving a shit. Enter Nitwit Squad Bravo, consisting of five more modern horror stereotypes (see the five above), only with a little more ethnic diversity. Also along for the ride is Douchey McGee, who is looking for his missing sister, one of the members of Nitwit Squad Alpha. The Dawn of the Dead remake in 2004 made this mistake as well, upping the character count gives you more people to kill, but at the same time makes it impossible to care about whether or not anyone lives or dies, which can make or break a horror movie. Needless to say a lot of killing ensues, of course all of the murders are so damn predictable that even Stevie Wonder could have seen them coming.

     This movie's biggest problem is that it follows the formula of making a modern horror movie remake. Which basically consists of removing everything that was good about the original (things like characters people give a damn about, and suspense), and replacing it with over the top violence, tits, and crude humor. Before I continue, let me say that I don't have a problem with the occasional boob. However, if I wanted to see as many jubblies as I did in this movie, I could have saved some time and trouble and stayed at home to browse /s/ on 4chan. Moving on, the crude humor present in this film only serves to cheapen it like anything with "Movie" in the title. A redneck talks about fucking a mannequin and one of the members of Nitwit Squad Bravo decides to attempt to wank to an L. L. Bean catalog (even I'm not desperate enough to whack it to L. L. Bean) before Jason shows up to bore everyone to death. I'm not against a funny moment or two in a horror film, but really, there's nothing remotely amusing about the attempts at humor. If I had dosed off (and it's a wonder I didn't), I might have thought I was watching a Scary Movie sequel.

     If this is supposed to be the start of the Friday the 13th for the next generation, then I've got a right mind to pick up a machete myself and put them out of their misery. With predicable kills, utter lack of suspense, and more than one "You have got to be bullshitting me" moment, Friday the 13th fails to impress let alone live up to the original. This series doesn't need a reboot, it needs a bullet to the head.