Brews And A Blog: Episode 1

So it's Saturday night and I'm feeling creative so I've decided to start up a new blog series which I have entitled: Brews And A Blog. In which I have a few beers (I'm not driving, you know who) and attempt to write a blog entry about whatever comes to mind. It's probably been done before, but now I'm doing it so nyah!

=== Starting Beer 1... ===

Tonight I'm enjoying some of Shipyard's Pumpkinhead ale, a delightful blend that my father describes as "like drinking a pumpkin pie." Fortunately, as far as I know I'm actually the only one in my house that enjoys it so the six-pack I bought is all mine. Moving on.

Call me behind in entertainment news, but I've only been recently been made aware of the remake of the horror classic Friday the 13th and I'm (quite rightfully) pissed off about it.

=== Beer 1 Complete! Starting Beer 2... ===

You might think I'm daft or idealistic, but I'm not entirely opposed to remakes. If they're done well they can enhance the ability to tell a story with the aid of technology that wasn't necessarily available at the time. Take for example... um... let me get back to you on that one.

Unfortunately, remakes are rarely (read: NEVER) ever done well. It seems to me that due to the advances in special effects technology that directors and writers are willing to sacrifice a good story in the name of some whiz-bang-pow CGI bullshit or over the top sex appeal.

This seems to be especially present in the horror genre. Sticking to the topic of remakes, the formula for updating a classic horror story seems to be:

• Step 1: Find a well known and beloved franchise that features a compelling story that hasn't had a sequel in a couple of years.


• Step 2: Do the ol' Ctrl-C Ctrl-V on the original script into your favorite word processing program.


• Step 3: Go through the script and remove anything and everything that made the original a masterpiece. This includes the following:
  
  
  • Plot twists
  
  
  • Underlying Social Commentary
  
  
  • Lovable, well-rounded characters
  
  
  • Anything that actually makes the film scary (like suspense and any music that doesn't feature a top 40 artist)
  
  
• Step 4: After having thoroughly removed the above, replace it all with over the top violence and tits.

=== Beer 2 Complete! Starting Beer 3... ===

Let me say before I continue that I'm not opposed to violence and tits (especially not the latter of the two, there's more than a few people who will back me up on that). But there's a time and a place for everything. If I want violence without a plot, I can watch an action movie and if I want tits, I'll watch a pornographic movie, browse 4chan, or head down to one of those bars where the girls show off the lady business in exchange for cash (refer to the "more than a few people" comment).

It seems to me that what makes a "good" horror movie nowadays is having more fake blood than "Strange Brew" had beer, but gory doesn't always mean scary. If that were the case then Saving Private Ryan would be a horror flick based solely on the first 20 minutes. Unfortunately, the over the top gore and tits seems to define the modern horror movie, and it doesn't just bring down individual movies, it brings down the entire genre.

=== Beer 3 Complete! Starting Beer 4... ===

The film industry says they don't make enough money from movies while at the same time seemingly refusing to come up with new franchises and storylines. In programming you get out what you put in and that's exactly what I say every time I hear about any member of big entertainment (RIAA, MPAA etc etc) bitching about losing profits to downloading. Put some effort in you bastards and you just might get something out of it.

Now I know I can't realistically stop studios from making the movies they do, but I will ask the douches in Hollywood to stop ruining classic stories and make their shit movies based on their own ideas. Here's an idea for the perfect modern horror flick: A large-bossomed succubus rises from hell to terrorize a town inhabited entirely by oversexed nudist lesbian hemophiliac supermodels.

There, see, if I can do it with almost 4 beers in me, surely you over-paid hollywood twats (that's the English pronounciation, rhymes with "at" instead of "ought") can some up with something better what with all of your access to coke, heroin, and high-priced hookers. Better get your offers in for "The Day Titsy the Succubus Attacked Supermodel-ville" before somebody in the porn industry gets their mitts on it. Although, they might do it better since they would be shooting for a more "marketable" PG-13 rating.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish off my six-pack and pass out on the living room floor.